Kind and Firm at the Same Time: Leadership for Women Who Were Taught to Keep the Peace

When I started managing people at my practice, I had to build a version of myself I now call the business woman: the one who delegates, sets expectations, sets boundaries, and follows through, whether or not it's comfortable in the moment. I've written about that shift before. What I didn't say then is how many women I talk to are trying to make the same shift, and how many of us learned the opposite early on.

Where I learned to just keep going

Early in my career, I felt like I had to prove myself. I interned and then worked at a community-based organization in Jacksonville, Florida, doing home visits with high-risk families. They were working with me to keep their families together, and our work was a preventive measure so they wouldn't lose their kids. It mattered, and it was heavy.

Our caseloads were high, and the stress came with them. I knew that, and I knew my supervisor was in the same boat, just in a leadership role. So I learned to keep going: get my work done to the best of my ability (hello, perfectionism) and hope that if I did, my supervisor would be a little less stressed than I was.

That instinct served me for a long time. It didn't serve me once I was the one leading.

Kind and firm are not opposites

For a long time I thought I had to choose. I could be warm and understanding, or I could be the person who holds the line. What I landed on, and it took a while, is that I can bring compassion, humor, and real presence to how I lead and hold something firm at the exact same time.

That's what I want for the women I coach. Not a harder version of yourself. A clearer one.

Where perfectionism gets in the way

A lot of high-achieving women lead by over-preparing, over-delivering, and quietly picking up whatever falls through the cracks. It works, until it doesn't. Then you're the most capable person in the room and also the most exhausted.

• Say the expectation out loud, early, before you're frustrated.

• Decide what you'll do if it isn't met, and then actually do it.

• Let "good and done" count. Not everything needs your best work.

• Notice when you're softening a message to manage someone else's feelings.

The hardest part: following through

For me, the hardest part wasn't setting an expectation or a boundary. It was following through on what happens when it isn't met (hello, people pleaser). For most of my life, it felt easier to just do it myself than to ask someone to learn it, or to remind them that I'd already shown them how.

That stops working when you own a group practice. Here's what I learned: you're not going to please everyone. And when you don't follow through, people learn that the boundary is optional. It gets pushed, then brushed off, and quietly, resentment starts to build, on both sides.

Sometimes, when someone keeps missing the expectations you've been clear about, the kindest thing for both of you is to part ways. That isn't failure. It protects your team, your practice, and you, before the frustration turns into burnout.

You don't have to lose yourself to lead

Confidence as a leader doesn't come from becoming someone else. It comes from practice: saying the clear thing, following through, and finding out you're still you on the other side.

If you're a woman in leadership who's tired of choosing between being liked and being clear, women's leadership coaching is built for exactly that. Reach out and let's talk.